


Give Your Heart A Break

by nattycookies09



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Teenagers, Angst, Character Death, Death, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heart Attacks, Heartbreak, Hospitals, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jaeno, Love, M/M, Mild Gore, Minor Character Death, Minor Injuries, Relationship(s), Romance, Self-Harm, Slice of Life, Substance Abuse, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, Teen Angst, Teen Romance, Underage Substance Use, idk anymore, nomin, will update along the way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-26 23:25:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15011693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nattycookies09/pseuds/nattycookies09
Summary: Lee Jeno, the personification of an emotional hurricane, meets what is probably the epitome of a literal sunshine, Na Jaemin, when he is admitted to the hospital for his nth attempt at suicide. Just when things seem to be getting better for the two, this is the time when Jaemin remembers that he only has 6 months left to live until he finds a donor for his failing heart.





	1. Lee Jeno

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! ^^ 
> 
> It's honestly been so long since I touched any form of writing or had any form of inspiration for that matter, given that I have been busy dealing with life as of late. Since October 2017 when I went on a hiatus to prepare for my national examinations, I have been working to earn my keep, catching up with my family and friends, travelling and went for a surgery just 2 months ago. Hence, together with the fact that I have also gone back to school, it has truly been tough finding the time (and energy) to formulate ideas and actually put them into writing. :( Hence, for those that have been patiently waiting for updates with regards to my other fanfictions, I would say that they will still be on hiatus for the time being, given that I have lost some of the feels and would prefer to start afresh for now. :) 
> 
> Given the fact that I have been well on the road to recovery and have also successfully introduced my friends into becoming NCTzens, I myself got back into NCT and what's a better way to come back into action other than writing a fanfiction for the classic OTP, Nomin/ Jaeno, amirite? :) If you guys have not noticed, I am someone who actually likes to write angst (whoops) and wanted to get back into it, so I took some time generating a few ideas and possible storylines before settling for this one as the final product. :) 
> 
> Apologies in advance for the mistakes really, especially when I have not gone back into writing for a long long time, but do feel free to subscribe and leave a comment down below telling me how you feel about the story and perhaps what you would like to see more of in the future too! :) I'm quite an active replier so don't worry, I will get back to you as soon as I can, but for now, sit back, relax and enjoy (the irony omg) the story ahead! 
> 
> Some TWs before we start: Mentions of suicide, self-harm, substance abuse, language and death so please proceed with caution! 
> 
> Playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/yoojungsunshine09/playlist/4pMNiL3EVLKeZcUZI0Y9Hf?si=g3LSHnWfRmG0K60glLPOdA
> 
> EDIT: So AO3 glitched on me this morning and posted 7 repeats of this particular work without my knowledge, but I have since deleted them and will be using this one as the official copy! :) Thank you and sorry for the inconvenience caused! >.<

In the beginning, it seemed like Lee Jeno, only a 10-year-old at that time, was said to be “blessed” and “privileged”. His father was the current CEO of one of the biggest petrochemical companies in East Asia and his mother was a well-known researcher in the field of Marine Biology, having a countless number of papers and articles written under her name. Hence, it was easy to say that Jeno was almost deemed to be the “perfect” son; excellent grades, well-taught mannerisms and was more than ready to take on either of his parents’ interests. In a nutshell, it was as if his future had been more than secured and there was absolutely no need to worry at all.

Even as a child, Jeno was clearly well-loved by all that he had made friends with. Furthermore, he was indeed blessed with the parents’ genetics; kind eyes that turned into crescent moons when he smiled, both from his mother, and the stature of his father. Since he was disciplined at a very young age, it was clear that he too was beyond polite and civilised, and that only made him to be even more of a “model” son.

Their family would have been put on the domestic newspapers at least once as they held interviews with his father about the progress of his business, his mother about her findings and little Jeno about his dreams and aspirations, hoping to be able to inspire others like him as well. Indeed, he was a positive boy to say the least, and was giving hope to other children like him at the tender age of 12. He had a mature mind for such a young age, reassuring all that read the newspapers that they did not need good looks or affluence to succeed; only determination, interest and hard work.

Or so he thought.

Unfortunately, at the tender age of 14, his father had packed up his bags in the middle of the night, leaving no trace of his possessions in sight. At that time, he had no idea what had taken place, only to read the next morning that the stock markets had taken a toll for the worst, meaning that his company was almost on the verge of bankruptcy. It occurred to him that his father had too much pride to face his family, choosing to leave them with nothing in hopes that they could “start afresh”, as he had managed to peek in the letter given to his mother.

_Dear Jeno,_

_By the time you read this, I would have already packed my bags and left. Looking at the situation, there is no way I would have been able to support the family any longer. Yes, I know, call me a coward, but trust me, it will all turn out better in the long run. You might not understand a single thing that I am saying now, but you will definitely understand that I am doing this for you and mum. Take care of her and don’t worry, I’ll still be here for you whenever you need me._

_Dad_

When he had finished reading the letter, he heard a resounding shout coming from the living room. He was confused at this point to say the least, unlike most children who would have been bawling at this point, and went out, only to find his mother in tears and on her knees. Her eyes were red and puffy, indicating that she had been crying for a long time, and by the way she looked on with a blank expression on her face at the television, Jeno could only sense trouble in his gut.

True enough, when he had mustered the courage to look at what the news channels were currently reporting on, he had finally understood why his mother had reacted in such a manner.

His father had committed suicide, drowning in the freezing Han River in the middle of Winter and dying of hypothermia as a result.

At this, his mind went blank as the sentiment of shock registered within him and just like his mother, he too felt his knees crumple and it was as if he could hear nothing any longer. All he knew was that his throat had gone raw, not knowing that the screams of anger, disappointment and sadness were all coming from him. Despite being in his mother’s embrace, he could only cry harder at the tragic loss of his father.

However, they knew that they could not stay in the city centre for very long, given that they had almost nothing left for them here. Hence, his mother took the courage to let go of her job as a Head Researcher in Seoul National University, and had retrenched all their assistants and maids, knowing that there was no way she could afford to sustain their own livelihoods, and what more, hers and Jeno’s. They had put the house up for sale, and moved to an apartment in Incheon, given that the rent was way cheaper and the fact that Jeno was still able to go to school.

Unfortunately, he was way too young to observe the changes in his mother, only thinking about the loss of his father. From someone who was known to be bubbly and positive, he became someone who was almost equivalent to a living corpse; empty on the inside and experiencing no sense of emotion at all. He was stoic, quiet, and very much preferred to go to his room and lock the door behind him, before sitting against his bed with his knees brought up to his chest.

He knew he should not be crying, but he simply could not help it. On most days, he cried himself to sleep and perhaps it was an act of impulse, but he had cut off all his friends that he had made in Seoul, afraid of the way that they might view him now. Hence, he had no one to talk to, or so he thought, given that he preferred to shut himself off from the outside world.

His mother felt the same, soon turning to drugs and alcohol for comfort, and coming home in the wee hours of the morning, staggering into the house letting out laughter with a hint of spite and bitterness. Luckily, she never took out her frustrations on Jeno; she could never do that to her own son. Although it was clear she was definitely losing her mind, the last bit of sanity that she had left in her stopped her from venting it out on her son.

While they were alone with their own thoughts and dealing with the pain in their own ways, Jeno had succumbed to his emotions while his mother succumbed to the effects that she had brought upon herself and it was no-brainer that she did fall ill. She was no longer in the pink of health, youthful and glowing. Now, her features were sunken in and her skin colour had faded throughout the years. Her cheeks were almost hollow at this point, her limbs were stick thin and her eyes were bloodshot for most of the time and Jeno was definitely not going to see any of that, so he had decided, at the crucial period of adolescence, to shut her out of his life too.

Hence, it was safe to say that the both of them had thrown themselves into the spiral of self-destruction, and they were way too deep into the game to surface. Jeno had no one to talk to at this point, due to the fact that he came to class early and left just on time when the bell rang. His teachers were worried to say the least, but they remained quiet, observing him from the sidelines as he fought the battle on his own.

Only the Almighty knew when he had decided to shut off his mind altogether and all he knew was that he had started to research on the many ways of committing suicide. To him, there was absolutely no point to be living anymore and it probably did not matter if he died. His mother was way beyond deranged to care and he had led enough of a quiet life to ensure that no one would end up mourning for him; or in other words, simply  just having no strings attached.

He had tried the easiest way of making a noose with some spare rope that he had found in the store room when they moved with a tutorial that he had found online, and ensured that he had locked his door. Sure, his mother was never home but it would not hurt just to make sure. Unfortunately, that did not end well as he realised that the rope was simply not taut enough to hold his weight, letting him fall to the ground, and he only sighed at his failed attempt, but did not have the will in him to find out what he did wrong.

“Let’s try again tomorrow.” He told himself, almost as if it was a silent mantra.

If Plan A did not work, he moved onto Plan B, and that was simply making his way to the rooftop of the school during lunch time when everyone else was at the cafeteria enjoying the food that the school had prepared for them. In retrospect, on the bright side, at least the school provided good food for their students, making the intense school syllabus way more bearable than it could have been.

It was simple; all he had to do was go up, close his eyes and let himself fall into the unknown. It was the quickest way to die, and hopefully, the quietest too. Then again, his plans were in vain, due to the fact that his ever caring seatmate, Mark Lee, had actually followed quietly behind him, curious as to see where Jeno could have gone, instead of following the rest of his classmates for lunch.

At first, he was beyond furious at Mark for ruining his plans, but he could not say anything back as Mark chastised him for making such rash decisions. Jeno fought back the angry tears as much as he could, but for some reason, he could not hold it in any longer, leading to another emotional breakdown. He crumpled to his knees and buried his face into his hands, but Mark did not say anything and though it was awkward, Mark took him in his strong embrace and Jeno only melted into it. His tears were definitely drenching Mark’s uniform, but the latter only held him tighter as he cried.

From then onwards, Jeno had made one friend at least, or perhaps it was because Mark never left him on his own anymore. He was always keeping up with Jeno, making the effort to send the latter encouraging messages to make him feel better. At first, Jeno did not understand why Mark would even make the effort to do so much for him, but Mark always brushed him off with a kind smile, saying that it was what a normal human being would do for another.

This went on for a while, and Jeno thought he was getting better, until his emotions got to the better of him once again. Mark had suggested that Jeno seek help from a counsellor or even get himself checked for possible signs of depression, or so he implied, but Jeno knew better.

There was simply no way he could afford it. His mother was already stuck on a lifetime supply of medication and god knows where the money had gone to in this span of time, so, unlike the past, there was nothing left for Jeno anymore. On most days, he would reply to Mark’s messages (even if it might take a few hours sometimes, to Mark’s worry) but this time around, it was as if his brain had went back on to auto-pilot mode.

Truth be told, he did even more research on suicide and expanded the topic a little more, and as morbid as it sounded, there was a little glimmer of hope, like the light at the end of the tunnel. After researching on the gruesome ways of trying to kill oneself, Jeno always made it a point this time around to research on why he should give life a second chance; a chance for it to become better.

Now, all that hope that he had held onto seemed to have shattered and left in smithereens, too far gone to be repaired.

This time around, there were a couple of ways he could do this and after eliminating those that he had tried before (to no avail), there were only two options left. One, dig out his razor blades that Mark had discovered and misplaced it on purpose the last time the latter visited and make a deep enough incision right at his artery or two, consume his mother’s medicine and sleeping pills, before downing it with his mother’s own alcohol that she kept in the fridge, and hard liquor to be exact.

On the contrary, Jeno had made a quick decision, deciding that he wanted it to be as painless as possible and perhaps the fastest way to die too. He did not want to wait any longer for the day that he was doomed to die and hence gave up on the first option of digging up his razor blades. Hence, he opened the door slowly, looking out into the dark living room and kitchen area, sighing in disappointment and relief that his mother was not home. Nevertheless, it would probably be a “nice gesture” for Jeno to leave her a note, just so that she could be at peace for once.

Now, here’s the thing, Jeno loved to write and especially loved poetry too. Mark had suggested that Jeno write out all his negative emotions in pen and paper, before shredding it and throwing them under the bed, just so that he could visualise himself getting rid of his evil thoughts and yet, letting it serve as a reminder never to do such things again. When this came to Jeno’s mind, he could only laugh bitterly at the irony of the whole situation now. Back then, he was trying to save himself and now, he simply wanted to give in to his fate.

He took up the easiest ballpoint pen that he could find and a piece of paper, and wrote in relatively legible handwriting:

**Suicide**

_Suicide, suicide,_

_Your presence is near._

_Suicide, suicide,_

_I wish you were here._

_Suicide, suicide,_

_Take me away._

_Suicide, suicide,_

_Please make it today._

 

_Suicide, suicide,_

_An answer, for me._

_Suicide, suicide,_

_I need to escape, be free._

_Suicide, suicide,_

_I’ve had too much._

_Suicide, suicide,_

_Take me, do your touch._

 

_Suicide, suicide,_

_Leave the rest behind._

_Suicide, suicide,_

_You’re all over my mind._

_Suicide, suicide,_

_Let me pass in peace._

_Suicide, suicide,_

_I need to release._

And with that, he retracted the point of the pen and placed it right next to the piece of paper, smiling to himself. It was finally going to happen; the day that he had waited for in so long.

With some newfound relief and confidence, he walked out into the dark kitchen, turning on the lonely dining lamp that flickered every once in a while to see what his mother had kept in the cupboards and fridge. He took out the strongest alcohol available, whiskey at this point, and any random pill bottle that he could find, ensuring that he had not left the sleeping pills out of the mix.

God knows how many he had poured into his hand but what he did know was that they were all of various shapes, sizes and colours and with a deep breath, he had managed to pop all of them into his mouth, chugging down the whiskey straight after that. At that, he wanted to puke, but he was too far gone now and was close to finishing the task at end, so he clenched his fists till his knuckles turned white, bearing with the lingering bitterness for a while from the pills and the burn in his throat from the whiskey.

Lastly, he popped 5 sleeping pills into his mouth, and chugged down the whiskey again, finishing the small bottle in a span of a torturing and slow 15 minutes. His head was probably spinning by this point, and he knew he had to act fast if he wanted to leave the house and with the last bit of soberness, he had managed to dispose the whiskey bottle carefully and packed all the pills back where they belonged. In fact, his mother had so many that she might not even realise that some were in fact missing.

Jeno had already taken an ice cold shower and had already changed into a black hoodie and black ripped skinny jeans, as if he already knew that this day would come. Therefore, with the alcohol seeping into his system, he fumbled with his black converse shoes and grabbed his keys off the kitchen counter, staggering out into the corridor and feeling his lips curve into a sickly smile.

Surprisingly, he was alert enough to tell where the button for the first level was located and could still have some sense of direction, probably because it had already become muscle memory, and he walked his usual route as if he was going to school. He was clearly swaying from left to right, but he only blinked and squinted his eyes, willing himself to get as far away from the house as possible.

Now, he had finally made it to the neighborhood and in comparison to the environment that he used to come from, this place was truly a force to be reckoned with. There were bright, flashing neon lights decorating this part of town, indicating mostly pubs, bars, host clubs and brothels disguised as a karaoke studio, just to name a few. With his drunken state of mind, it was a definite that he would have bumped into some strangers and hooligans using his shoulder. Some avoided him with wary eyes while others stopped to spit at him, cursing and swearing in the process about how he must be blind, but he paid no attention to them.

All he wanted to do was to die, not start a fight with a stranger that he was bound to lose, and simply preferred to take his life in his own hands.

“No more pain, Lee Jeno.”

It happened soon enough when he had stumbled into an empty alleyway and the smell was probably enough to send a normal person into a scenario of gagging at the putrid smell of rotting food in the rubbish bins and stagnant water in the potholes that lined the road. Jeno could barely stand at this point, the medicine finally acting and reacting together with the alcohol, making Jeno’s body limp and on the verge of falling unconscious, which he eventually did seconds after, collapsing in the dark alleyway that he had stumbled into.

By now, his vision was already a blur and he let out a series of coughs as he laid on the ground, feeling white froth and bubbles spewing out from the corner of his mouth. His head was spinning, his breath got shallower by the second and he felt his heart palpitating violently against his chest. His eyelids soon began to feel heavy, feeling more like lead after every passing second, and while he struggled to keep them open, he knew that the medicine would win eventually.

“Just hang in there,” He told himself, “Just a few more minutes and it will all be over.”

His limbs had become numb and he grew weaker and weaker, the same going for his breathing and his heartbeat and he could probably hear his heartbeat at this rate, given the pin drop silence of his surroundings and that was finally the time in which Jeno felt just like a human for once in his life.

And in his dying moments, that was when he understood why it always seemed blissful for those who were troubled. That was because it was probably meant for that one special moment when they felt alive again before they ceased to exist.

So with the last breath he took, a tear slipped out from the corner of his eye and he broke into a small smile before shutting his eyes as a way of saying that the deed had been accomplished; it was finally over and for once, successful.


	2. Na Jaemin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back with the second chapter of this chaptered series! :) In case you guys might not have heard of what happened recently, AO3 had glitched on me recently and ended up posting the same story 7 times, which probably led to one hell of a confused community. Hence, this would be the official link that I will be using to update the story as I go along! Once again, apologies for the inconvenience caused and I hope you guys would still enjoy the story all the same! ^^ 
> 
> Furthermore, despite my hiatus, I would still like to thank my readers and for all the kind comments that I have received so do keep them coming as I would love to hear from you guys and have a chance to get to know my readers better so keep the comments coming and I will get back to them as soon as I can! :) 
> 
> Updates might be a little slower though, given that my holidays are ending and the fact that I would need to prepare for my exams, but I am determined to finish this short chaptered fanfiction so do continue watching this space for future updates! :)

_ Beep. Beep. Beep.  _

Jaemin woke up to the sound of his heart monitor, opening his eyes slowly as he willed himself back to consciousness. For some reason, he could feel a sharp throbbing pain at the back of his head, and sighed, thinking that he must have hit it against something pretty solid for him to end up in such a state. 

His vision was extremely blurry at first, so he continued to lay there until his vision stabilised and he could turn his head left and right without feeling as if the world around him was spinning.

Once again, for the umpteenth time, he was surrounded with the sight of white; white walls, white side tables, white beds and white curtains, and it was all too familiar for him to be back here in Seoul National Hospital. He was attached to the IV drip on his right hand and had a whole bunch of wiring and patches on his body to monitor his condition, and as strange as this might sound, he heaved a sigh of relief, glad to know that he was still well and alive.

“Good morning Jaemin-sshi,” a familiar voice spoke from the entrance, and in came his heart surgeon that Jaemin had began to make friends with after seeing him so often. He had a black half-framed glasses clad on his nose and probably had a little fanclub of his own for his wide shoulders, tanned skin and strong build, which was further accentuated by the white doctor’s coat that he wore. 

His name was Johnny Seo, and he had graduated from the prestigious Harvard Medical School in Boston; one of the top in the world. Initially, Jaemin and his parents were apprehensive to say the least, especially knowing how young he was as compared to his previous surgeon, who had retired just 3 years ago. 

However, with Johnny’s bright personality and the amount of tenacity he had put in to search for a donor for Jaemin and him checking up on Jaemin whenever he could out of the hospital, soon earned the former the trust of the Na family. He had offered them a glimmer of hope through all this turmoil, even if the chance got slimmer and slimmer by the day, but knowing their positive outlook in life, it was always worth a shot. 

“Hey hyung,” Jaemin replied weakly, having just woke up, but adjusted his bed to ensure that he was sitting upright. Sure, he was still fatigued, but it was only polite to do so anyway.

“Your mother was here this morning, but she had to leave for work.” Johnny said, and Jaemin nodded at the information. 

This routine had happened so often that his parents no longer needed to be around by his side all the time. For most, that would have been a terrible thing to do, but for Jaemin, it was completely understandable for his parents and he did not want them to stop work altogether either. Apart from having to foot his medical bills that were only going to get higher, they needed to feed themselves too, so Jaemin was ever understanding of his parents’ decisions, never holding any form of resentment or hatred towards the seeming abandonment. 

“We have been monitoring you for the night and am glad to note that your condition has stabilised now, as we were able to get your heart up and running once again, but Jaemin… We must apologise that we have not been able to find a donor after all this while.”

The patient only sighed when he heard the news, thinking back to all the times when he could have found a heart to replace his ailing one. It was a bitter thought, but Jaemin knew that the circumstances were just way beyond his control, especially when he remembered that the last time he had found a heart, he had convinced Johnny to give it to another younger patient who was suffering as well. Johnny had tried to argue otherwise, saying that Jaemin needed saving first, given the seriousness of his situation, but the latter strongly refused, saying that if he could be the reason of saving another, he would be willing to sacrifice his chance for another, leaving Johnny without much of a choice.

Until now, all those who had witnessed that decision could not decide whether he was chivalrous or simply foolish, especially when his illness was rare and almost incurable at this point, unless he had a heart donor available for him. Jaemin never saw it as a bad thing, but his parents and the heart surgeon could not help but lose sleep at nights thinking about it. For his parents, it was the fear of losing their son that kept them awake, but for Johnny, it was simply about saving a life, especially when in Jaemin’s case, there had been so many attempts which could have happened but never did. 

For example, due to poor communication between the hospital and the police department, Jaemin had lost his first donor, who had got into an accident and was said to be fit for Jaemin, but the police had already taken away the body to the morgue and donated his organs to another hospital in another city, out of Jaemin’s reach. The other incident happened when an old man on his deathbed was more than willing to give his heart to someone else, if it meant giving someone a second chance, but after more thorough research, the old man’s heart was already damaged and would probably do a better job being disposed rather than given to Jaemin for the sake of the latter’s well-being. 

It had been 5 years since Jaemin was put on the waiting list for a heart transplant and it was a pity to think that he was only 19. Jaemin had lots to live for really, and despite being diagnosed with aortic stenosis the moment he was born, he never let that get in the way of simply doing things that he wanted to do. 

Like everybody else, he went to school to get satisfy his curiosity as a first grader and took up art classes as well. He loved the outdoors, but his parents and doctor had suggested he do less physical activities, and opted out of sports altogether, to his dismay. Sometimes, there were days he found himself envying the rest of his friends, who could run around the school field playing Tag or even a friendly game of soccer, that resulted in a whole load of laughter and newly formed friendships whenever the players laid on the field once the game was over with wide smiles on their faces.

Luckily, he had found his love for art, more so in illustrations, especially since he did not need any special equipment to do so, only a piece of paper and a writing tool. It did not matter whether it was a pencil or a pen, as long as it left a mark, it was fine for Jaemin. It helped him to forget about the state of his health for a moment, as all his mind and energy was simply into completing the task at hand, and truth be told, it made him feel like he could accomplish anything without his failing heart as a cause for concern.

He had also managed to find a good amount of friends and acquaintances to keep him company, with one of them being a certain Huang Renjun. The latter had moved from Jilin, China to South Korea, given that his father had been posted to the Seoul office branch and decided to take his family along for the sake of keeping their family together. 

Similar to Jaemin, he was a bright boy too, and loved drawing a hippo named Moomin and the other characters in the series, but he never forgot his roots and sometimes preferred to do chinese calligraphy or chinese-style paintings of Koi, cranes and dragons, and it was a given to say that he was probably a natural at it too. 

The both of them would draw together during their free time, have long conversations about the latest art mediums that they could keep their hands on in the future or simple conversations about anything under the sun. Renjun’s positive energy was indeed contagious and Jaemin could not help but to feel even more energised with Renjun around. They had similar interests, similar personalities, and this explained why they had become quick friends. As time went by, even their parents became friends, and Renjun and Jaemin saw each other more than just what the school limited them to. 

This friendship that they shared between the both of them carried into the later years, and with that, their conversations had grown in maturity as well, from simply talking about the art mediums that they wished to buy to talking about their dreams, aspirations and insecurities. Indeed, they could not have been more grateful to end up in the Seonhwa Arts Middle School together. 

Together, they had met so many more who shared the same passion as they did for the Arts and their friend circle gradually expanded over time, despite Renjun’s being more on the quiet side. In fact, with a friend like Jaemin who attracted so much attention with his boxy smile, it was almost impossible not to have mutual friends and they were happy students really, and this was especially true when Jaemin’s health had started to improve. 

Or so he thought. 

With the medication that he had been taking regularly and the fact that the doctor had given him the allowance to start participating in physical activities for his own good, that was when things took a turn for the worst. 

It was just a typical Tuesday in the spring for Jaemin, but he was simply not feeling too well. Unfortunately, the sickly feeling had only come hours after school had started and Jaemin did not want to worry his parents either, so he simply held his ground as best as he could, hoping that none of his friends would notice too. 

However, the cat was let out of the bag later on in the day when Jaemin finally passed out during his Contemporary Art lesson. He was not aware on what had taken place, but according to Renjun, Jaemin was restless and kept on clutching onto his chest, before closing his eyes, letting go of the pencil in his hand and falling off the chair. Luckily, he was caught just in time by Renjun, who took the lesson as an extra class, and prevented him from hitting his head. 

He was brought to the hospital just in time, but was immediately admitted to the Intensive Care Unit for monitoring, especially after the paramedics discovered that he had actually suffered from a heart attack during the class, and that accounted for his chest pains. His friends and teachers were worried to say the least, visiting him whenever they could, even if Jaemin spent most of the time with his eyes closed and being unable to speak to conserve his limited energy from the drugs that he had been prescribed. Oh how he wished he could voice his gratitude, but he could only do so by giving his friends’ hands a light squeeze as an indication that he was going to be alright. 

As for the Department of Cardiology, they stopped at nothing to figure out why Jaemin’s condition had seemingly worsened. Sure, the sickness that he was born with was said to lead to congestive heart failures, but that did not seem to be the sole cause of this episode. Later, they discovered that another disease had come into play, under the name of CAD, or better known as Coronary Artery Disease, and that only rendered the medical team and Jaemin’s parents speechless at the finding. 

Nobody had ever experienced the combination of two heart diseases in their lives, and that also meant that his chance of surviving had also decreased greatly, to his dismay. 

But that did not stop the bright and positive Jaemin, who was only given stronger medication once he was deemed ready to be discharged and able to walk without assistance. Indeed, it had been a tough 3 weeks being absent from school, but Jaemin persevered and lived like a normal teenage boy once again. He was still smiling as brightly as ever and always looked out for his loved ones, whether it was to be by their side through tough times physically or simply just being someone they could rely on. From the outside, nobody understood why Jaemin was so philanthropic towards others, but it was definitely intrinsic; seeing other people happy made him happy as well, and willing to fight through his disease with every ounce of energy he got. 

Sadly, the episodes did not stop there. 

3 years down the road and Jaemin experienced his second heart attack, but it happened at home this time around and he was quick enough to ring the buzzer that resounded in the home whenever he felt like he needed attention. Again, he was rushed to the hospital, only to find out that his heart was in no condition to function normally anymore and that meant a surgery to place a Ventricular Assistive Device (VAD) to act as a supporting heart to keep it going.

Sadly, ever since then, he had been warned time and time again that his need for a donor would only grow with time and while he wanted to continue fighting, his body was clearly losing against the consequences of having an almost damaged heart. 

His condition only deteriorated, though slowly, and it came to a point when he had no choice but to withdraw from the school, because the country had changed their laws and he had been failing the attendance criteria again and again. His farewell ended in laughter, smiles, warm hugs and a whole load of tears, but Jaemin knew it was for the better. He had handwritten notes prepared for his closest friends, explaining everything, apologising and thanking them for always being by his side. After that, Renjun did not speak to him for 3 days. He was not too sure why, but from what he had managed to grasp from the grapevine, Renjun needed time to understand and accept his friend’s fate. 

_ “Jaemin-sshi,” Johnny walked in, while Jaemin was sitting upright on his bed reading a book filled with poems combined with elements of art, “After much discussion, it is only the best that we let you know of this piece of information now.” _

_ “What is it hyung?” Jaemin asked back, doubt evident in his voice, but he also had a sense on what Johnny was about to talk about — his life span.  _

_ “I’m sorry Jaemin, but after observing and monitoring the performance of your heart over the past months, I’m afraid the condition of your heart will continue to worsen if we are not able to get a donor soon.” Johnny replied, trying to maintain the calmest composure that he possibly could, but Jaemin saw right through, knowing that the surgeon had a lot on his mind, and he understood where the latter was coming from.  _

_ “It’s fine, I expected this anyway.” Jaemin said with in a manner that was a matter of fact, “I might not take any form of Science, but I guess it’s pretty obvious to say that a supporting heart can only get me so far.” _

_ Johnny sighed at the realisation, knowing that what Jaemin said was true and he had no words of comfort for the boy, only silence ensued.  _

_ “There is a possible surgery that we can do to fix it, but it is way too risky to do so, especially with the fact that your heart is too fragile now for anymore trauma. Your heart attacks have been non-fatal, but it can only last for so long.”  _

_ “Yes, hyung, I understand.” Jaemin chuckled and shook his head, trying to get Johnny to make light of the situation a little, “So how long do I have left?” _

_ The surgeon hesitated at the question, but quickly got himself together, convincing himself that while it was painful to hear, it was something that he had to do as a surgeon. _

_ “Let’s keep it to a maximum of 8 months. I’m sorry Jaemin, we have tried everything that we possibly could and the only option we have left would be a donor. Not only would this be the best option, it would also be the safest.” _

With those words in mind, Jaemin could only remember how much he had cried once Johnny had left the room, and it seemed like Johnny knew that it would crush Jaemin’s hopes of achieving his dreams and whatever he wished to complete in his short lifetime. At some point, Jaemin questioned the Heavens why it had to be him, but quickly realised that someone else would have had to suffer for his wishes, and took his words back, accepting that there should have been a reason why God had placed him in such a grave situation. 

To his relief, Renjun visited Jaemin at the hospital regularly, teaching Jaemin the new techniques and mediums that they had been using to create new masterpieces, even when Jaemin was no longer in school, to keep the latter occupied. In retrospect, it took no genius to see why Jaemin was strictly confined to the space that surrounded him, given that any form of physical activity could lead to serious complications, especially since he had voiced out that he wanted to live life to the fullest, no matter the conditions.

Indeed, it was safe to say that Renjun was definitely a true friend that Jaemin could rely on whenever and for whatever reason; but it was also noteworthy to Jaemin that the other friends in their clique had kept up with him, sending him short messages of encouragement that the storm would pass and there would be hope at the end of the tunnel. 

Sometimes, Jaemin could only snicker at his own words being used on him in irony, with him becoming the receiving end of such motivating words rather than the one who gave it whenever he could. 

Then again, there was nothing he could do and just as he had mentioned, he wanted to live as much as he possibly could. It was definitely painful, with more frequent chest pains and the higher possibility of him suffering from a cardiac arrest, but it was definitely worth a try in Jaemin’s ever positive mind. 

Back to the present, nothing very much had changed with regards to the updates of Jaemin’s general health, and after Johnny had apologised and explained that Jaemin should probably move to a permanent ward so that they could keep watch on him 24/7, he only let out a sad smile and left, having a surgery to go for an hour later. Hence, it was back to the pin drop silence of the ward, apart from the faint beeping sounds from Jaemin’s heart monitor. There was nothing much to do really, given that Renjun would not be visiting until school was over, so he reached out for his bag and dug out a HB pencil, a 005 micron pen, watercolors and a drawing block to keep his mind occupied for the time being. 

Not much time had passed since Jaemin started on his botanical illustrations when the peace and serenity were soon interrupted as the door of his ward opened, signalling that a new patient was going to be admitted to the very same ward as him. 

Jaemin looked up and took a quick glance at the patient, only to realise that he was probably the same age or at least year older. He had jet black hair, almost alabaster skin, prominent facial features such as his high cheekbones and more than defined jawline. In other words, Jaemin had probably laid his eyes on the best looking boy that he had ever seen, before the nurses had wheeled him to an available bed and closed the curtains for the patient’s privacy. 

The nurses muttered under their breaths, trying to keep the new patient’s issue as quiet as possible, but Jaemin was a curious boy and listened as best as he could, only managing to hear that the boy was found in the middle of the night on the verge of death. Unfortunately, it seemed like the nurses knew something more, judging by the tone in their voices, but they seemed to have kept that part of the story to themselves. 

The curtains opened again, showing the boy hooked up to an oxygen mask, a heart monitor and the classic IV drip before they made a few marks on the clipboard and left the ward, allowing both of them to rest. The boy’s breathing seemed regular and so was his heartbeat, clearly showing he was comfortable and at peace, but his eyes were closed and Jaemin guessed that he probably did have a rough night.

He studied the patient even more closely, eliminating the possibility that the boy must have gotten into a street fight, because his skin was still as smooth and blemish-free as ever. To Jaemin, there was no way one could get out scott-free from those and having been found in the middle of the night and on the verge of death, according to the nurses, only spelt trouble in his gut. And for some reason, Jaemin also felt his sixth sense tingling; the boy was not what he seemed. 

If street fighting was not the case, then why was he here? Unfortunately, Jaemin’s curiosity would only be satisfied once the boy woke up, and more importantly, whether this complete stranger would want to share it with Jaemin, who could be a possible friend, or not. 


	3. The Matter of Life and Death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I ended up having a load of Nomin feels and wrote the official start to the story in a day or two? ^^;; However, I think I'll be going on about a week's hiatus to prepare for my upcoming examinations and will get back to this once I'm done and dusted with the exam period for the time being! As much as I do say that I would want to write a completed chaptered fanfiction and never got the chance to finish any of them, I am pretty determined for this one really. :) Also, thank you all for all your kind support and I hope that you guys have been enjoying this story as much as I have enjoyed writing it! ^^ Once again, don't be shy to leave a comment or two, simply because I love talking to my readers and getting to know you guys a little better, so do keep them coming! ^^ For now, sit back, relax and enjoy the very first official chapter of "Give Your Heart A Break"! :) 
> 
> P.S. I have also developed major Dotae (Doyoung x Taeyong) feels during the course of the story and intend to write a story about them too! However, I will finish this one first before getting to that so do keep a lookout for it in the future! :) 
> 
> ICYMI, this is the playlist that I had specifically created for my own writing of this story for all the inspiration hehe: https://open.spotify.com/user/yoojungsunshine09/playlist/4pMNiL3EVLKeZcUZI0Y9Hf?si=ImRMallmQ2m1gzz4N99LaA

_ Beep. Beep. Beep.  _

That was the first thing Jeno heard, but he was unable to open his eyes. He was aware of the fact that his head was spinning and let out a soft groan, trying to find a more comfortable position, but was soon aware that he had been hooked onto an IV drip, which hurt the more the patient moved.

He only let out a sigh, going back to his original position and let his senses come back to him one by one. First his hearing, and next was the smell of disinfectant and cleanliness, before he felt like he could open his eyes. Initially, he had opened them a little too quickly, regretting his decision as soon as he did so, given the fact that the ward was completely white in colour, making it especially blinding for someone who had been unconscious for the night.

Slowly, but surely, he opened them, and his vision was still blurry and spinning, but settled soon enough. Unfortunately, Jeno felt a vile feeling in his stomach and pressed the red button that he had seen on the side of his bed. It was almost immediate when a nurse attended to him, ready with a pail in hand, in which he grabbed and began to puke his guts out. There was nothing apart from water, bile and a little bit of blood from god knows what, but the nurse only patted his back gently and rubbed small circles into it to calm him down. 

“Good morning Jeno-sshi, it’s good to see that you are awake now. Are you able to tell me your full name and identification number?” 

After Jeno had managed to cough out everything and wiped his mouth, nose scrunching at the smell of his own vomit and spoke in a hoarse and weak tone, “Lee Jeno, 000423-3074326”

“Thank you, I will call Doctor Jung now to inform him that you are awake. Your heart rate’s pretty normal, I would say, and so is your blood pressure, so that’s good news.” She chirped, but Jeno showed no signs of being happy or relieved over the fact that he was alive. His jaw tightened at the thought and his fists started to clench until his knuckles turned white. 

He had so many questions as to why he was still alive. Were the drugs that he had consumed really incapable of taking his life? When he was on the verge of passing out the previous night, he was confident that he was going to die and that all his pain and suffering would be over, but here he was, hooked up to a variety of equipment and clearly rescued from his brush with death.

“Why am I still here?” He thought bitterly and he could not help but feel his eyes sting from the angry tears that were threatening to spill out at any point in time. He had tried so many times just to be happy, but he was always brought back to the real world, either because his method did not work or he was saved by the people around him. 

And this was no exception. 

“Lee Jeno?” A voice spoke, and Jeno looked up, meeting the owner of the voice, only to come face to face with the doctor whom he presumed was responsible for bringing life back to Jeno. He was tall, had a good build, fair and smooth skin as well as one of the deepest dimples that Jeno had ever known. However, it was clear that this man meant no harm; his face was way too kind to say otherwise.

He smiled as he read through the report that the nurse had given, before saying in a gentle and calm manner, “Well, I’m glad to see you are awake and running, Jeno-sshi. If you were brought here any later —”

Jeno did not let the doctor finish his sentence, cutting him off curtly, “Who in the right mind would have even brought me here? Who was the goddamn idiot? All I wanted to do was die, doctor, is that so fucking hard? How many times do I have to keep trying?” 

And that was when he realised that his tears had finally spilled when his voice started to croak and he sighed, refusing to meet eyes with the doctor who stood by his side. It was to the point that he only wanted to scream, shout and let all his emotions out into the open, but Jeno was smarter than that; his venting of emotions was not to be done in the hospital for crying out loud.

“Now now,” the doctor replied, “it is not the time for you to get worked up. Of course, I do know the name of the man who had brought you here, but seeing that you are probably capable of killing him at this point, let’s just call him a good samaritan, shall we?” 

Jeno let out a sarcastic chuckle filled with spite and bitterness, rolling his eyes, but the doctor only continued, “He found you along one of the alleyways on the way home and you were found unconscious from a drug overdose. You were struggling to breathe and had an extremely irregular heartbeat from the drugs that you had consumed in quick succession and washed down with hard liquor. He called the Inha University Hospital immediately, and after doing whatever they could to save you, you were then transferred to Seoul National Hospital. That is why you are still here today.” 

The doctor continued to ramble on about his findings in Jeno’s urine test and the procedure they did to get the substances out of his system, but Jeno had long drowned out the doctor’s voice, consumed by his own thoughts and unanswered questions that he kept to himself. He was only staring blankly into space, as if it were only him, without all the people who were currently standing around his bed. He took a quick glance to the patient opposite him, but the patient noticed and seemed to have snapped out of his reverie, going back to whatever he was doing before. 

“Jeno-sshi, are you still with me?” 

“Can’t you just let me out? I’m awake and ready to go home, so why am I still hooked onto the IV and for the record, Doctor Jung, I didn’t give two fucks about what you just said.” He answered in an icy cold tone. 

“That’s fine.. I will explain it to you again in due time when you are ready to hear it from me. Last thing before I go, I have referred you to Mr Kim Dongyoung, but you can call him Doyoung if it’s easier for you. He’s a psychiatrist who has helped many teenagers and young adults successfully, graduating from the prestigious Yonsei University in Psychology and getting a Masters, followed by a PhD, at Stanford's University.” 

To Jeno, it was almost no point feeling any form of hatred for the doctor or showing his anger for that matter. He was losing energy by the second, probably due to the fact that his body was still unwell, but his doctor still looked calm and patient, probably dealing with difficult people like him often, or worse, so it was truly in vain to keep up a fight that Jeno was bound to lose. 

He only sighed in defeat, lying back against the pillow and closing his eyes as he leaned his head back, while the doctor took his leave in a quiet manner, and once again, the ward was silent, in which Jeno was only aware of the heart monitors beeping and his breathing. 

“Great,” he thought to himself, “I just got assigned to what could be a crackhead of a psychiatrist for all I know. Do people never learn in terms of not minding other people’s business and just let them live as how they want it to be? What do these guys know anyway?”

“Jeno-sshi,” a meek voice spoke, and Jeno looked up once again, coming face to face with a petite nurse who was probably a head shorter than him if he were to stand up, “Would you like me to call your parents for you to tell them you are awake?” 

And for the nth time today, Jeno sighed in frustration, that even he thought he was going to run out of breath just by sighing alone and he spoke, with his tone and mannerisms as ice cold as ever, “Do you guys never get the message? Just leave me the fuck alone and besides, my dad’s six feet underground and my mum’s beyond deranged to entertain the thought of her son in the hospital, so there’s really no point in doing so. For now, I would just appreciate if you could fuck off.” 

At that, the nurse bowed out of politeness, before scuttering away in fear at Jeno’s fierce and intense demeanour. He was still pretty much livid in anger, and it was no surprise that his heart rate had increased pretty dramatically at this point as he breathed in and out, trying his best to regain his composure before he took the ward apart.

“Hey, you alright there?” A gentle voice spoke and at this point, Jeno simply wanted some peace and quiet, ready to snap if anyone triggered the wrong buttons but only to be met with two huge and innocent hazelnut brown eyes. 

This patient sat opposite him and he looked no different; he was hooked up to an IV drip on the right side of the bed and on the left a heart monitor, just like Jeno. He had chestnut brown hair, sun kissed skin and was clearly tall and lanky, judging by how the hospital garment seemed to drown the boy. He could not have been very much younger for that matter and Jeno only looked on, not saying anything. 

“N-no.” 

_ Damnit Jeno, why are you stuttering? _

“Don’t worry, I won’t bite and neither would I want to pry with your business either. I just wanted to say that everything’s gonna be alright. I know the hospital’s a little bit daunting at times, but… you’ll get used to it with time.” 

“And how would you know that? You don’t even understand.” Jeno replied back, challenge laced in his voice, but the boy only replied with a calm composure, “I’ve been here almost all my life and besides, they will be transferring me to a permanent ward soon.” 

_ Oh. _

At those words, deep down, Jeno felt guilty for being insensitive towards the boy. Sure, he was beyond pissed off, but that gave him no right to show it to a complete stranger. In fact, this stranger was probably the first person to ever speak to him upfront. From what Jeno had heard of Mark’s ramblings whenever the latter spoke to him, the school was terrified of him, saying that he was either related to the neighbourhood mafia or was probably just the typical school bully who would snap at any time.

And funny thing, Jeno was none of those. He was just a broken boy who simply needed someone to hold him together when times get rough. He needed someone to listen to his troubles and most importantly, someone who understood the way he was and able to calm the storm that brewed constantly inside him. 

“Anyway, enough hospital talk, what’s your name for a start? It’s probably worth getting to know you, given that you’re gonna be here for a while.” 

“Lee Jeno.” He replied, ending his sentence in a second, but looked to see that the boy on the opposite side of the room probably wanted more than just that. 

“I’m…. 19 this year and I live in Incheon.”

The boy nodded in response with a bright smile on his face and replied in a friendly manner, “Well, my name’s Na Jaemin. We’re of the same age, surprise surprise, and I live in the suburbs of Seoul. Nice to meet you!” 

Jeno only nodded awkwardly and an awkward silence finally settled in the room, but Jaemin broke it again, adamant to get something out of the quiet boy who clearly had loads of things on his mind. 

“How about the school you go to?”

“I’m from Incheon Science High School… You?” Jeno asked, shocked at himself for actually asking a question back instead of simply answering. 

“Hey, you’re improving in terms of communication skills!! I was supposed to go to Seoul Arts High School but as you can see, I’m clearly in no position to go there, but I was from Seonhwa Arts Middle School if you are curious. How is it like in Science? I always thought it was dry and boring. What do you guys learn?”

And somehow, that had actually escalated into a conversation on the clarifications of the stereotypes that surrounded the Science and Arts students. While Jaemin thought that Jeno was probably into dry and boring subjects, Jeno on the other hand thought that Jaemin was probably “out of this world” to put it nicely. It was mostly superficial, simply discussing what their school systems were like and Jeno just filling in Jaemin’s questions about what the outside world was like. 

“Oh? Never thought Incheon looked like that now.” 

“What? They have a direct bus now? Damn, I wish I could travel around town.” 

“Did you say they had a Keith Haring showcase at the art hall of Korea University? Why didn’t Renjun tell me anything or take pictures?” 

For some reason, Jeno felt at ease for once in his life. Sure, Jaemin might not have known the emotional turmoil that Jeno was going through, but whatever the case, this was the first time that Jeno never felt like he had been judged at first glance. 

Being a CEO’s son was not just about the glitz and the glamour of the lifestyle, but it did result in some people having misconceptions about Jeno, distancing themselves in the most subtle manner, thinking that Jeno was unfriendly, cold and too proud for his own good. And the worst part? The aftermath was even worse. When his father committed suicide and they had witnessed how the family had fallen apart and the company failing, Jeno always carried around a label of being the son who could not take on his father’s seat. Even their family “friends” distanced themselves from being associated with a family on the verge of collapse, and that was when Jeno realised how shallow people were, or at least those that he met throughout his life.

He might not have known Jaemin for a very long time, 30 minutes to be exact, but no matter how shallow the conversation seemed to be, it did make Jeno think about his past, explaining why he was always wearing a mask to hide his fears, insecurities and weaknesses, taking the beating upon himself instead for not being strong or mature enough to take care of his mother like his father had asked him to. 

And that was probably why he did not want to grow a sense of over attachment to anyone, afraid they will leave him like his father did, or the fact that he would not be capable to be a good friend to them, just like how he was towards his mother. There was simply no one he could trust enough, or hold onto, afraid that they will disappear forever when Jeno needs them the most.

“So… What’s your nickname, Jeno-ah? You can call me Nana from now on.” 

“Uh… Haek No Jam?” Jeno replied, and Jaemin let out a bright laugh, but clutched onto his heart in the process and winced a little. Jeno realised this, but said nothing, only keeping it at the back of his mind for now.

“How interesting… I’m not sure whether your friends were dissing you or what not, but it is quite a funny name. Creative friends you have.” 

“Thanks…?” 

And Jaemin only shook his head at the response,  still with the angelic boxy smile, continuing on his botanical masterpiece.

“W-what are you drawing?” 

“This? Oh, just some drawings of plants. I don’t get to go out much and I love the great outdoors really, but it is a pity that I’m living within these 4 walls now, so I draw these to fulfill the desires to see the sun for once. You know, flowers bloom with sunlight right? It’s like my way of imagining the summer breeze and the warmth of the sun.” 

Jeno had nothing to say after that, a little taken aback by the information he had just heard, and it did not take him long to realise that Jaemin was probably suffering in his own way too. By the way he spoke in terms of not being able to go outside and being in the hospital for most on his life, he had to be going through his own fair share of problems too. 

However, being the coward he was, Jeno said nothing further to pry. Yes, Jaemin seemed more than willing to open up to him, but Jeno was not ready. This was his first time holding a proper conversation with a complete stranger and as he thought back, it was going way too fast for him at this rate. He knew he needed time to warm up to this boy, even when it was clear that Jaemin was someone who was just a pure, innocent and good-hearted boy. 

Jeno simply could not explain it. He had only met Jaemin less than an hour ago, and he was already feeling an unfamiliar warmth spread throughout his body when Jaemin flashed his signature smile again, showing off his pearly white teeth. Surprisingly, Jeno could not help but show a small smile back, and Jaemin’s smile grew even wider, grinning ear to ear at this point. 

_ But what if he leaves you? You know he’s not exactly in the best of health, Jeno.  _

And that was when Jeno’s heart crushed a little bit at the resounding thought in his head that had come back to the top of his mind. People always said how others come and go, but Jeno had seen more people leave; too many to be exact, and with how fragile and weak he was, he knew better than to go through the cycle of losing someone he cared about. 

Not that he would tell Mark anyway. Sure, Mark was a little bit of an annoyance to him sometimes, but when Jeno thought about it, it was indeed better for someone to be looking out for your well-being and making the effort to have another feel good about themselves. It was truly quite something, especially when Jeno only saw himself as a form of wasted space that could have probably been replaced by another. 

Fortunately, before Jeno could lose himself down the spiral of negativity once again after experiencing what felt like happiness for once, the door of the ward opened again, showing off a man who looked like he was in his early 20s. He had no doctor’s coat on, but he had a blue dress shirt and paired it with black pants and black shoes. Indeed, everyone seemed like a true visual here, Jeno thought, probably having the chance to become idols if they wanted, but here they were, saving lives and solving the problems of others.

“I presume you are Lee Jeno? Because there’s only two of you here and I know Nana well enough.” The man asked, looking at Jaemin for a quick wave and a smile, before turning back to face the former.

Jeno only nodded and the man walked over to the foot of Jeno’s bed, reading through the contents on the clipboard quickly, and taking a piece of paper or two with him.

“Are you able to stand? I heard from the nurses that you were puking your guts out this morning and might not be feeling too well now. Are you okay? Or do you prefer me to postpone the session?” 

At that statement, Jeno sighed in disappointment, feeling as though that the Gods were punishing him for his decision. Why does he have to go through counselling anyway? How do you even change the mindset of one who only thinks of various ways to end his life and nothing else? It’s just a waste of time, why does nobody understand? 

“Look, I know it’s hard for anyone to open up to a stranger about your problems and issues. Don’t worry, this session is only going to be me finding out a little more about you to see what I’ll be working with for the next few months. I like to start my sessions by getting to know my patient better. There’s also plenty of food in my office and like they always say, a way to a person’s heart is through his or her stomach so, what do you say?” The man asked with a smile, and Jeno, once again, sighed in defeat. He had absolutely no choice at this point and was only left to face the music. 

“Great, come along now. I’ll detach you from this IV drip.” The man continued with a smile, but Jeno flinched the moment the man put his hand on the needle. Truth be told, how could you even trust a psychiatrist with medical equipment anyway? 

“Calm down, Jeno-sshi. I know I’m your psychiatrist, but we definitely had to learn some basic procedures to be able to work here. Relax, you’ll be fine and just breathe in and out for me.” 

As calm as Jeno seemed to be, he hated needles and looked away as Doctor Kim (he read the nametag) did what he had to do and after a quick prick, the needle was out and the doctor coiled the tube into a neat roll.

“My name is Doctor Kim Dongyoung,” he introduced, helping Jeno with the bed as well, “but you can call be ‘Doyoung hyung’. I’m too young to be known as Doctor Kim or Mr Kim for that matter, and I will be your psychiatrist until I deem that you are mentally well and healthy.” 

Jeno nodded at the statement, walking alongside Doyoung until they reached the doorway and that was when Doyoung spoke again, “Whoops, I forgot to let Jaehyun know that I will be taking you in early for the session today. Hang on a minute, will you? I have to find him to get the relevant documents and don’t go anywhere, I don’t want you to get lost in this huge plot of land.” 

Jeno said nothing and Doyoung patted his shoulder, before running off down the corridor to search for Jaehyun. The former leaned against the closed door and waited, staring into blank space once again and occasionally looking around to see the nurses and doctors monitoring the well-being of the warded patients. 

He was snapped out of his reverie again by a petite boy with a snaggletooth, who asked him politely, “Hi, I’m looking for Nana, as in Na Jaemin. Have you seen him?” 

At that, Jeno pointed to the opened door and the boy’s eyes lit up at the discovery, thanking Jeno quickly and running in with his backpack and hippo keychain bouncing along. 

“Oh my god Nana, are you alright??? You didn’t answer my calls or messages last night and my mum told me that you were in the hospital, so I had to come see you.”

“Oh please Renjun, I’m fine. I must have passed out last night at home and bumped my head against the floor or something solid at least, but Johnny hyung said that my condition managed to stabilise throughout the night. Sadly, I would have to stay here for further monitoring.” The bright and familiar voice replied.

“So… no news about a donor?” The other voice asked, sadness evident in the question, while silence ensued after that. 

After some time, Jaemin spoke again to break the silence that was shrouded in sadness, “They suggest I move to a permanent ward for the time being. Can you believe it? I’m not even allowed to go outside anymore to reduce the happenings of external shocks, even excitement, and with the number of episodes that I have been having, all the more why the suggestion even came up in the first place.”

Jeno heard a sigh, presumably from the stranger that he had talked to, before hearing a question that struck him inwardly. 

“How long more, Nana?” 

“I don’t know… The last time I heard was I had 8 months left… Johnny hyung didn’t say anything about it when he saw me this morning though, and…” 

And that was the moment when Jeno heard a few sniffles, signifying that the once smiling and seemingly ever positive boy was crying now, after trying his best to hold it in, which was evident from his breathy voice when he spoke to Renjun.

Honestly, Jeno’s heart broke for the boy a little when he heard the soft sobs and cries that came from the ward, but that was also the time when he had realised one thing. Sure, it did not change his perception on how he felt, but he had to admit that it did strike him harder than he wanted to. It was as if a nail had been hit at the back of his head, deep, before the carpenter even swung the hammer. 

Jeno was well and able-bodied, and yet, he wanted to die. He tried so hard to, researching on all the possible methods and probably tried at least 80% of them by now. 

Jaemin, on the other hand, was unable to move much physically anymore and was probably getting closer to knocking on death’s door by the day, and yet, he wanted to live. 


End file.
